I can't believe it. a whole dam year has past. Not much to show for it though. Oh yeah sure, I have grown, but I'm afraid that I have just become more cynical as time passed. I look in the mirror at myself and see that a tremendous amount has happened over that last year. I'm aging due to stress. Shit, wasn't stress suppose to go away if I tried to accomplish something for myself. Away with the world...listen to your inner voice. Quiet...what's that I hear... it's screaming...crying out for help...but nobody can hear a sound. It's quiet! The truth is nobody can hear it...the screams are suppose to be silent. I don't want anyone to know that I’m suffering. It might damage my relationships...the few I have left. I they know I'm failing they will all run away. I know this for fact. I have engulfed myself with people who will not try anymore, that have stopped helping period...due to failure. "Fear of Failure" is what the call it. It’s taking over my mind. I hope to read this tomorrow and realize that I can still claim more of my life...I want so much more. I always believed that the fear of trying due to failure makes you fail...I still need a job...if I had a job! Shit, I wouldn't feel threatened by the landlord asking me to sign another year’s lease. I need to find money quick...I'm not eligible for unemployment because I didn't work enough last year. Trapped...if my body was beautiful, I would let myself become a muse. "Money is King", I remember a friend say. My reply was that I could live on love...but love, I have found, when you grow older dissipates....Shit! Why? Shit?

I haven't been here for a while. My fault I kind of forgot my journal excised. Maybe I forgot that even I excised. To think how excited I was a year ago. All aspirations of getting a job, living on my own. Maybe buying a house. Or,having a great guy... the whole 9 yards of a beautiful life floating in my head. Well I'm still alive and that's a blessing. Moved from Michigan to the Chicago Suburbs in hopes of setting the world on fire. But my destiny got in the way again. I have tried, with every bone in my body. I tried to move forward, set up a great life for myself and my son. Moved out of drug infested Michigan back home,here in June of last year to rely on family and reestablish friendships and then it happened. My toxic sister and her emotional problems sunk into my life.

The pity party that I took part in. And a pity party it truly was!!! Smashing to say the least. Her Husband was seriously ill, dying of cancer. So, every day instead of putting myself first. Doing the things that I had dreamed of doing, I embarked on a endless phone conversation dealing with the trauma of someone having to deal with the death of a loved one. Dragged in...I couldn't put myself in her shoes, but having been diagnosed with cancer a year earlier and surviving it, I endured with her to feel her pain. I had been blessed to say the least. Everyday was a new call. "I'm afraid" the conversation would start..Dave's asleep he looks like he isn't going to wake up...how sweet he looks when he's sleeping...shit he's awake now...moaning...I'll call you back after I give him his medicine. She would hang up I'd cry, feeling a little depressed...Then revise myself and get started on my next task to better my life.

Two hours later...the phone would ring. I barely got started doing what I need to do. Still trying to straighten up the house after the move. I don't having a clue which direction to look for a job..disorentated...confused...in need of someone to guide me. Nobody here, nobody to help. nobody knows how desperately I need them. The phone rings, disturbing my meditation,"Dave's in an ambulance, the paramedics took him to the hospital... Jessica is going to meet me there...I think he's over medicated." Day after day, "His Blood Pressure is dangerously low", "I just want to smother him to put out his pain" or "He's not going to die...His will is strong...Dave is so strong...Dave don't leave me." My emotional becoming so painfully strong, I can't think. Oh my god where's Logan. He doesn't know anyone in this town yet. I'm worried and I can't think. He better check in soon...I'm scared.

The phone rings..."What song is it, that goes like... As long as he needs me ...or words like that. I can't find them on itune." "I'm gathering a bunch of music for me and Dave to listen to." Just another day and I can't think for myself, because that would be selfish. Lost in the plague of death. And I'm not here...I'm not sure where I am. Where is Logan, this is becoming a habit. Shit! What made me think that I could raise this little guy on my own. Shit! I need a job. Shit! This house looks a mess and I need to get it straighten up. Hell, I'll go to Patty's to see if she's ok...Phone rings. "Dave's in the hospital" I go to the hospital instead.

No time left for me. No time for my son. No time to find a job. No time to hook up with a friend. No time to clean...Shit! Shit! Shit!...Louder....SHIT!!

Romanticizing and experiencing my emotions in a relationship is what I truly look for. Finding new ways to be inspired and motivated to express my idealism keeps me very interested in philosophy and higher wisdom. My visions and creative insights strike up a passion inside me that I want to share with my lover. I need someone like me who is gentle, receptive and charming and also drawn to the nostalgic.
Before I give my loyalty and kindness to another, it's important that I feel sure that my values are appreciated in an affectionate and intimate way. Having a sensual and passionate connection, both materially and spiritually, fulfills my desire to relate on a deeper level. For me, there is no such thing as a "superficial" contact with another. I will benefit from curbing expression of my passion until I know that I'm getting as much as I'm giving. My partner needs to understand that my inner, spiritual world is more important to me than mundane achievements. Even in a partnership I seek my own roots, my own sense of security and my own needs. It is important that I nurture myself and share my capacity to nurture and be nurtured.
I will definitely be ready for that intimate relationship this year, and it is bound to come my way. I will enjoy developing the interpersonal expression I crave. My needs are to feel part of a unit rather than merely an isolated ego. I will prompt an attraction to someone who excites me. My passion will match theirs. I will enjoy happiness!

I rewrote this Sunday night..Monday morning my world collapsed...I still believe this could be true...the nurturing part has become the most important to me now.

I enjoy making some sacrifices for the sake of my love. To some degree sacrifice is a key part of a good relationship, if both partners share in making them. It’s hard to compromise their own comfort to satisfy another partner's needs, but it can be done.

I don’t believe that you should have to keep a close eye on my love. If our love is reflected honestly, both of us should be able to trust each other completely. I would be able trust my love to work closely with a person of the opposite sex, because their role would be different then mine.

I wouldn’t mind if my love called me a couple times a day to ask what I am doing. If I am busy working that they would understand that I would rather be talking to them and visa versa.

I believe that, in a good relationship, each person will change and grow together. I believe love is a constant process of discovery and growth. I believe that at the beginning a relationship is like starting a new journey that promises to be both exciting and challenging, and with good communication each day will hold more surprises.

The truth is that I don't mind playing like I am sex toy at times with the one I love. It is very important to me to gratify their sexual desires and whims, in a kind and loving way. I would find it exciting to try new and unusual, but not extremely painful, sexual techniques.

I wouldn’t mind it if they needed my help to get over some problems. I might not always agree, but I do have the ability to take it much in stride. If there are issues dealing with the past, they will pass in time. I really don’t need someone who will help me recover from my past, because that to will heal in time too. Sometimes my life can seem to feel as though it is crumbling around me. I find that is when I am overworked and when I need slow down and take it easy, take it step by step. It all evens out in the end. The past is in the past, let’s forgive and forget and move on to new seasons.

I believe a good relationship is like tending to a garden, you reap what you sow and that every thing is attainable only if you spend time and energy to care for it. That it helps to nourish one another thru the ups and downs of life. I believe the secret to a successful relationship is in taking care of each other and each others need for love.

I believe that close relationships are partnerships, but not a job. That if we each watch each others back, we will be in a good position to get ahead.

I don’t believe that there is a magic wand that will make a relationship become true, it takes effort for both party’s in a relationship, but in different degrees. Remember nothing ever stays the same. That it will all balance out in the end.

I do believe that there is someone out there for me who is my perfect match, but not as much as to hold them up on a shelf. For fear that they might fall off.

I believe in compromise. That when arguments may arise from time to time, and doors need to be opened as to take a look at the conflict from all sides. This doesn’t always resolve issues immediately, but it would be nice to be resolved before bed, or in bed. I don’t enjoy fighting.

I like a partner who is willing to think about the funny side of our conflicts and makes me laugh whenever we are facing a tense situation. But not as to use humor to avoid facing a problem in our relationship. Sarcastic humor isn’t tolerated very well.

I have no need for multiple partners who fulfill my needs. That is what they make friends for. My life partner will come before my friends.

Wow, I don't know how to put it...except yeah, it's been awhile. I haven't posted since last month and a whole lot has been going on in my mind. What I want to do with myself. Where am I going with my future. Am I to old to be having thoughts of grander. God knows...

....But this I do know, How I want to be treated by other humans beings. I will not stand for consent criticism, or being talked down to because you/whomever doesn't have control over their own life; or to who's own self esteem is so tangled that they use me as there scapegoat.

I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS ANY LONGER...

...no longer will I put up with discouraging words from others. I have never been blind to it. I just choose not to confront...

...not anymore, I will verbalize my feelings, regardless of you feel about my feelings...for they are my own.

..I AM IMPORTANT!!!!
...I AM GOING PLACES!!!!
....I AM GOING TO LEAVE!!!!....mostly because it is important to me to find my own way and to take responsibility...

.....This doesn't mean that I can keep myself from becoming vulnerable...nobody can protect them self from that...I will always be scared of the unknown...

......It's just that I choose not to be misplaced any longer...to meet life head on...who knows how long I have left on this carousel. I choose not to deal in lies never have...So I will make peace and move on...

.......I HAVE DREAMS...Not my fathers dreams...but very similar, just because I am of another generation doesn't make ours dreams vastly different...

.........And to those who feel that I should of come to this conclusion a long time ago...you are slightly correct...I am made of my own timing...and I and only I can choose the correct time in my life accordingly...


............Tomorrow I will make a list of my most important dreams...and I will decide that actions in which to make them come true...I will make them come true...My Christmas Gift to myself...To make my tomorrows come true!

I've been in a period of contemplation. This started a week before thanksgiving. I put myself in a place of deep question-airy thought, in order to stop the juggling going on in my head. Balancing life out never really stops. It's just that I have to decide whats important to me now. I have to gyrate some logic. On one hand I have a roof over my head, but not to seem ungrateful, its not a comfortable home. I crave Stability..Yes I spelled it with a capital "S"! I seems that somehow that is what we all want. In our homes, employment, friends, from the time we get up to when we go to bed at night. I have searched for the perfect environment for a entire life. At one time I came extremely close to having it. I just made a good/bad decision to live here with him. The importance of security was more important to me then. I had a small child and needed a roof over my head and I didn't have any where to go. Now my child is growing and I want to go, but after moving at least a dozen times. Truly a dozen. I want to make sure that where I go I will be settling in to stay. It doesn't have to be big. just big enough to have company. A small house, small yard in a convenient local...My "Tuscany Under the Sun!" Back to Oklahoma?...No! Stay here in Michigan?...Maybe..but employment stinks... A fun place to visit..but stay...only if I could start a B&B! It's a funny thing I have the world at my finger tips....but where should I go to commit to settling? Aaaah...this is the delicious meal that I'm serving myself for Thanksgiving.

How beautiful, "A Bridge". I didn't think of it before, but I'm more intrigued than ever. Image the possibilities. So today I plan on designing one. Yes!!! I will build that bridge and meet you in the middle and you can take me to either side you choose, on any given day.

I can't stop loving you. I find you irresistible. It would be like telling me I could not pop the Hosta blossoms, along the way. I'm drawn to them and have to give it a try, even though some would frown on it. Keep Popping!